To be or not to be - that is the family question for IR

It's a sad day today. Despite my best optimistic efforts, the inescapable truth of today confronts me. The gap between the middle and working classes will never be closed. Those few of us who manage to jump the barrier, from one class to another, are indeed the privileged.

For many months we've heard the Federal Government bang on at length that the new Industrial Relations laws provide choice - but seem to be blinded to which side of the argument the choice is provided for.

Look at the surveys conducted around Australia every few months. Young people today indicate lifestyle is more important than money. Young and established families indicate family time is the number one priority - dad's want to be a part of their children growing up in this generation. Baby Boomers indicate genuine excitement at the lifestyle opportunities provided with retirement.

And yet our IR laws are destined to rob the lowest income earners from the basic fundamentals - control of their own environment, including time to rest, recover - and be something, someone else - before returning to work.

I grew up in a household where my father worked all day, and my stepmother all night. This meant that from the age of seven, myself and two stepbrothers rose with the sparrows and dad, and following dad's departure, spent the next two hours every morning engrossed in chores (well one of us anyway!), tooth and nail arguments and the eventual trek to school. In the evenings, the step mother often already on her way to work, we children would spend another hour or more on our own before pater returned from his laboured efforts. And because we were such a poor family, this routine often extended into the weekends, where any opportunity of financial reward for overtime was anxiously taken up - anything to remove the financial pressure. And during school holidays? Well the step-mother became extremely cantankerous through sleep deprivation, anxiously looking forward to the re-incarceration of the overly vital sprog in the State education system.

And the result of this financial focus over family? Aside from the fact that we managed to burn down the kitchen one morning (the dispute with dad still rages over whether or not he told us to turn off the pot of cat food on the stove), the cracks to the family psyche were much deeper, and while seemingly slow to show themselves, were evidently there all along.

You see, we never learnt to behave as a family - how to draw together as a cohesive unit under duress. We didn't spend time negotiating our differences and learning how to get along - how could the children possibly learn, when the adults were never present together to role model. And because the parents didn't spend much time together - they never learnt how to enjoy each others company. Family disputes were crashingly resolved through violent action and the most heinous, unforgivable insults . We, the children subsequently learnt to resolve our own differences through violence (stepbrothers) or scathing sarcasm (me). Masters of role model mimicry.

And we weren't alone. In a low income area, where both parents worked, a "Lord of the flies" battalion of children progressively emerged in our area. That battalion is now into its second generation, with no visible change. Each family characterised by the lack of time it devotes to itself.

My "family"? Well naturally, it fell apart. Well more than fell apart. I had worked myself to the bone through high school to make sure I had the choice of university opportunities - and disappeared a week into my seventeenth year to the other end of the country.... as far as I could possibly remove myself from the 'family'.

My (two months older) eldest step-brother - after many years of rejection from his mother - commenced a painful journey that included several bouts of attempted suicide, and culminated into several nervous breakdowns before an eventual schizophrenia diagnosis. He seems to have generated a new life around him. I am extremely proud of him - but we longer have contact.

My youngest (eight months younger) step-brother, a pathological liar and thief as a child - exited school illiterate, with a strong suspicion of drug abuse. He progressively developed an exceptional life around himself, before collapsing with the strain of his brother's mental illness, and moving back into drug abuse. He however pulled himself back out and is again leading an exceptional life. I am extremely proud of him too - again, we have no contact.

Dad and the step mother moved through an incredibly acrimonious and bitter divorce - where the lawyers on both sides made a fortune. All the overtime, all the family sacrifice, in one foul swoop, handed over to the lawyers as payment for their lasting failure to get along - for putting money ahead of family. The step mother and I do not have contact.

There are incredibly sad and acrimonious times ahead for many families. Yes, I'm a working mum - for both financial necessity and because I want to. But by the same token, my family lives comfortably. We may have to squeeze pennies at times, but we're not servants of the eternal dollar. I work in a comfortable, union negotiated work arrangement, where holidays and sick leave are relatively protected. And I wouldn't give these things up because they are important to me - and to my family.

And I've yet to meet a family who would willingly give them up - other than to ensure they have an income. And yet this is how the IR tool is being used.

For a government so pretentiously pushing the family line, it seems to be doing its level best to pressure these incredibly fragile units. Families cope with strain when they have nourished on togetherness. Without it, they are just another group of maladjusted members of society.